


You Really, Really Suck At This

by Meeps



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blood, Casual self inflicted injuries but it's Deadpool come on, Gen, Human Wade, M/M, They still have their powers, Thought Boxes, Vampire AU, Vampire Peter, Vampires, attempted suicide by self negligence, blood sucking and drinking, guilt complex, morbid jokes, passive suicidal talk, past suicide attempts, poor coping with trauma and mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-14 17:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9195509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meeps/pseuds/Meeps
Summary: This was honestly not how Wade was expecting his week to go.Sure, he'd had his run-ins with bloodsuckers in the past, but they generally left him alone because, though he regenerated quickly and couldn't truly die -- which should make him the perfect "blood bank" pet --, he was also very sick, and he tasted like it.EDIT for JULY 2017: This is not abandoned!  I swear!  I'm so sorry it's taking so long, I have not been well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was just laying down and the urge to write this came to me, so I opened up a doc and here we are!
> 
> Chapter notes:  
> [ ] is Yellow/Screwball  
> [[ ]] is White/Professor  
> Wade and Peter both have their powers in this. I'll go into that more later on.

Technology was incredible, really.  To think how far humanity had come from the time when the first computer was turned on to now, in recent years, with the world practically available with the tap of a thumb on a phone screen.

Which is what Wade was staring down at as he scrolled through Yelp, trying to find a buffet or fuckin’ anything else that was still open that wasn’t fast food.  The sun had gone down long ago, but he didn’t seem put-off in the least, and in fact was bouncing to the music that anyone within three feet could hear through his earbuds that were turned up _way_ too loud.  Most people weren’t crazy enough to still be out, and any who still were, were trying to correct that.  But then again, this was Wade Winston Wilson -- he was said to be equal parts crazy and annoying.  The afterthought tacked onto that warning was that he was also a deadly, effective mercenary who would take any job, no matter how vile.

His current mission was getting food.

[Is it even a mission if we’re not getting paid for it?]

[[ _Personal_ mission.  It was a writing trick to make the flow between subject transitions gentler.]]

[A whu-huh?]

“A Denny’s is two blocks ‘at-a-way!”

[[Denny’s is not food.]]

[You shut your whore mouth!  They have bitchin’ combo platters.]

[[ _Denny’s is not food._ ]]

Wade flipped his phone around in a tight circle before he caught it again and _damn_ had that looked cool.  Too bad no one was around to see it.  He glanced around, and deflated slightly when he realized that he was the only soul on the sidewalk right now.  Welp.  Dumb and Dumber continued to argue with each other, and Wade’s stomach rumbled loudly in response to thinking about a stumbling drunk’s paradise after bar-hopping all night: a warm meal and hot coffee.

[[You’d _have_ to be drunk to enjoy that stuff.]]

“Dude, step the fuck off of Denny’s dick -- who _hurt_ you?” Wade asked, and he pocketed his phone in one of the black leather compartments on his belt.

[You don’t know his life!  Maybe Denny’s shot his family and kids and he’s traumatized?]

“Maybe he caught Denny’s in bed with his girl?”

[Maybe Denny’s kidnapped the princess and turned out to be a disappointing endboss after all of the buildup?]

“Maybe Denny’s was the father who abandoned him, leaving him with a lingering sense of loneliness and self-hatred that he can never shake no matter how hard he tries?”  Wade paused mid-step as if there were the sound of a record scratching to a dead stop and he cocked his head, his brow clearly creasing through the mask (which was surprisingly expressive).  “That got a little too real.”

[[I cannot even begin to finish the list of things that are wrong with both of you.]]

[I love lists!  They keep us on schedule.]

[[Wade, do it, the gun is right there.  We gotta reboot, this is just too much.]]

“Sorry pal,” Wade lilted, sounding not even slightly sorry.  “My tummy says food first.”

[[A bullet for dessert, then?]]

Wade turned up his music until it was beyond painful, but he just started shouting along with the words, either not knowing how to talk when he couldn’t hear himself or he just didn’t give a shit.  The music didn’t shut them up, but it helped drown them out.  That was when he kicked in the door for the hyped-up diner, sashaying his way to the empty host bar.  After dropping off some drink refills at a table, a middle-aged woman came up and wiped her hands on her apron, and gave Wade a worn, forced smile.  “Welcome to Denny’s,” she said, and grabbed a menu.  “This way, please.”

Wade pulled out one of the earbuds that was taped onto the sides of his mask, and it came off with a soft rip and a crinkle.  “What?” he shouted obnoxiously.

She jumped a little, and her eyes flitted to the headphone that Wade was now swinging around like a lasso in his right hand.  “I said ‘welcome to Denny’s, this way’,” she said back, louder.

Wade stared at her lips and then he pushed up the bottom of his mask just over his nose.  “Oooh,” he said, voice only a decibel softer this time.  “Thanks!  I think I blew out my eardrums!” he said cheerfully.  It sounded like he was a mile underwater and the heavy-pressured ringing was getting to him, so he stuck his finger up under his mask and it came back dabbed with a bit of blood.  “Yup!  Ruptured as fuck!”

The hostess-slash-waitress wished she could say that this was the weirdest one she’d seen, but he wouldn’t even make the top three this week.  She gestured to one of the booths and Wade slid in, still bobbing his head as if he could hear any music at all.

He noticed the muffled rumble of Screwball attempting to talk, and he sighed like he’d just stuck his feet in for a hot soak.  Might as well’ve; they got annoying as hell after… years.

[[I hope you know we’re in his head; temporary deafness won't get rid of us.]]

His sigh turned into a groan and he slid a little further into his vinyl-covered seat.  “Why did you have to tell him,” he whined.

[ **!** ]

[[You’re doing a visual joke and it’s not going to translate completely without them being able to see the iconic font and color.]]

[Metal Gear sound!!!]

[[Auditory joke.  And now the whole joke’s stale.]]

[BRNK!!!]

[[Jesus Christ, Wade, _please reboot._ ]]

“Not in front of the pretty lady,” the Merc said sternly.  Then he turned and finger-gunned said woman, who just looked like she’d long accepted what tonight was apparently going to be.  “How about a Shirley Temple, extra cherry.”  He looked like he was probably going to say something lewd and then, for one of the few times in his life, held his tongue and swallowed the comment.  She didn’t need that sort of tasteless joking that she’d probably heard fifty-thousand times since starting, and she looked dead-tired.  Like she was working on fumes alone, on her feet long enough for them to be bruised and gross.

[[Feet generally are that, yes.]]

[Hey, speak for yourself!]

...Okay, neither of them had wanted, or needed, to know about that info drop and Wade pulled a face as she set the menu down and turned around to get his drink order in.

Forty minutes later found him fully healed up with three different platers in front of him, one already picked clean and the second well on its way.  That was when he heard the waitress and the cook talking over his own chewing.  He hadn’t cared to eavesdrop until he heard a specific word and suddenly he was all ears.

“There’s something out there,” the woman said, having just come back in from her smoke break.  “I saw it behind the dumpster.  Think a bloodsucker got somebody.”

“You gonna call the cops, or should I?”

Her voice sounded like she was strained.  “I’ll talk to the cops up front, but I’m not going back outside.”

“Aw, think they’d really make you go out in the cold just to see your old lady nips?”

A hard smack and a chuckle followed.  “Shit, okay -- you hit like a man.”

“That was the warning shot,” she hissed.  “You can call them and chat ‘em up.  I’m still on break.”

That was hardly as interesting as Wade had hoped and he went back to his meal.  Attacks had been on the rise for the last ten years, he wasn’t surprised someone unfortunate or stupid enough to be out after sundown had gotten their ass tossed out with the trash.  He finished the second plate by the time he saw the cook come out and start dialing the non-emergency number.

“Yeah, another body.”  A pause.  “Debbie, was it alive?” he asked from where the black employee phone was that he was attached to.

“Probably not anymore?” she replied from her seat, hardly glancing up from her phone.

“Probably dead,” he relayed.

The conversation went on from there, but Wade could only hear one side.  It felt lacking.

[[Welcome to everyone who hears you talk to us.]]

Wade snorted and choked a little on his eggs.  Then he pounded on the table, startling the poor lone couple who were a few tables away, who’d already looked on edge.  “Yo, raisin smuggler!  Gimme my check!”

The cook turned and shot a look at him, and set his hand on his side.  “I’m on the phone here, wait a minute,” he said, and then added, “dickbag,” under his breath.  Once he was done with that, he hung up, and then started back towards the kitchen.

He came back out with a slip of paper and slammed it on the table.  “I’ll ring you up at the front,” he said.

And that was the story of how Wade ended up in front of a corpse, with a nice and full belly, in a back alley, close to midnight.

He eyed the unmoving, clothed feet sticking out between trashbags.  There wasn’t any blood around the body, but that was absolutely to be expected -- why waste that shit?  It was worth its weight in carnivorous gold, and even a _shitty meal_ was still a _meal._   Sure there were petty kills and about a hundred different reasons to leave the body, fluids and all, but…

[Go poke it with a stick.]

“And where the fuck am I getting a stick?”

[...Go poke it with a garbage stick.]

Wade rolled his eyes, but he heard a barely audible gurgle as a puff of air escaped the figure.

[OH FUCK, IT’S NOT DEAD--]

[[--Poke it anyway.]]

Looked like a teenager, actually, and now Wade felt a little bad.  He was chalky and pale, with hollow cheeks and darkly circled eyes.  His joints were swollen and bulbous in comparison to his bones because of how on death’s doorstop this poor fuck was.  Probably homeless from the looks of it, clothes worn and filthy, and his body little more than a skeleton.  He didn’t even seem to be breathing he was so far gone.  There wasn’t any saving this one, not that Wade was on some glory mission all of a sudden, but he tapped the kid’s chest with the toe of his boot.  Rolling him wasn’t hard and he barely had to push.  The poor boy’s  head lolled to the side lifelessly.

He had dark, slightly curled hair that was probably two or so inches long, and an angular face.  On his neck were two easily recognizable scarred-over bite marks, and his parted lips revealed the ends of two elongated eye-teeth, and Wade felt a jolt in his body.

Turned out it wasn’t some dying, homeless kid at all, apparently, as he quickly realized he had his foot on a dying, homeless _vampire_.

Well, _shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade _Does The Thing_ , and the vampire gets adopted. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys. ;u;♥ Let's go on his journey together.

Now, there were plenty of reasons to kill a vampire.  First and foremost being, well, they _sucked_.  Literally.  Another major reason was revenge.  The third biggest reason was harvesting.  As Wade’s eye caught the point of one of the little guy’s fangs again, he realized that was not the case.  His bones and organs were clearly there inside him, as well as his hair and fingernails still attached (though he had to double-check that one, with it being so dark).  Wade wasn’t stupid, no matter how many people said otherwise; there were _very_ few options as to what happened.

He did a quick rundown of the potential lead-ins for this situation.  Someone -- human or otherwise -- took this thing captive, and he finally got released, but was too weak to get very far.  He could have outrun his usefulness, or the captor wanted to turn him into a ticking time bomb of crazed bloodlust for a varying number of reasons.   _Or_ he’d gotten Turned and his Master kept him trapped in a cage or basement like some kind of feral animal, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (audio track credit to The King and I).

Another _or_ : The vampire managed to escape from where he was being imprisoned and didn’t have enough energy in him to hunt down a form of nourishment.

And then for the real kicker of a possibility: The vampire somehow was aware enough of himself and his surroundings to acknowledge that he didn’t want to drink blood and was able to keep the conviction in that decision long enough to starve himself until he turned into the skin-and-bones ragdoll that was currently lying on the ground under Wade’s boot.

[[Does it even matter the reason behind it?]]

“Kinda?” Wade ventured, but it sounded more like a question than an answer.

[[You’re going to have to walk away from this one way or the other, so cutting off this train of thought right now would make it easier.  You know you’ll just find a reason to get attached if you give the thing a name and backstory.]]

Wade stared down at the body and took his foot off of the creature’s chest, setting it down on the dirty concrete.  Gravel crunched under his heel.  What White said was the _problem_ , though.  This was just a _kid_.  Whether he was freshly Turned or several hundred years old, he had been taken away from his life far too early.  Wade may have an unfixably broken moral compass and a really disgusting track record, but children fell very neatly into the No Kill category.

[Oh fuck, he’s getting attached.]

[[God _dammit_.]]

The chest of the near-corpse expanded as the vampire sucked in air, and let out a strained huff as an exhale.  It sounded like he was trying to say a something.

[What is it, Lassie?  Is little Timmy stuck in the well?]

[[Please just leave before this gets more pathetic.  I don’t want to be here for an entire television season worth of bullshit that you’re inevitably going to drag us all into.]]

But Wade, _damn his bleeding fucking heart_ , got down on his knees--

[No!  You can catch herpes and shit from unclean ground!]

[[Okay, my very-lightly-used-term-friend, I’m gonna stop you right there.  First of all: No.  Secondly, we can’t catch anything, remember?]]

\--and leaned forward, putting his ear close to the thing’s face.

[[You know this could all be a plan to get you to do _the very thing you’re doing_ so it doesn’t have to work too hard to get its next meal, right?]]

[Oooh, that’s actually pretty smart!  Act wounded to lure in the prey in and then vive le buffet!  ...That rhymed!]

Wade ignored them and prodded the body, which twitched slightly in response, and the kid’s head rolled to the side again.  That was when noticed that its eyes were cracked open.  Another shaky intake of breath caused the vampire’s chest to rise, and he tried again to speak.

“Please,” was what crawled is way out of his throat.

[[See?  It’s begging you to end its un-life.]]

“Shut up,” Wade hissed, his head cocked to the side as he glared at Professor, codename ‘White’.  Then he turned his attention back to the creature that was less than a foot from his own nose.  “Look, kid, I don't think I can give you whatever it is you’re wantin’,” he said, but then trailed off.  The police were going to be there at some point in the next few hours, and the bloodsucker would be taken into custody and snuffed out behind closed doors.  Which, honestly, may be better than his current catatonic life in an alleyway and therefor a blessing... but not if they decided they wanted to run some ‘tests’ on him first.

[You’re totally whipped like cream, dude.]

A trembling, spider-like hand curled around Wade’s wrist, but the touch had no force behind it.  Wade could have blown on the guy and he probably would have fallen apart right then and there like the daddy longlegs he looked like.  There was nothing actually holding him in place besides a few thin layers of skin.  The vampire’s mouth was hanging open, almost to the point of looking unhinged, and his jaw lifted up and dropped several times, like he was trying to form more words, but just _couldn’t_.  “Ple-please, he…”  He had to pause, and suck in another lungful of air because he’d run out, and then tried again.  “Please help… I’m so…”

Wade felt his heart dropping lower and lower the longer he let himself sit here and be exposed to this mess.

A sob seemed to rack the boy’s body, two choking wheezes coming from him in quick succession, and then the moment seemed to pass and he calmed back down.  Or, he just had no energy left to have a proper breakdown, what with an overtaxed body being unable to even produce tears, yada yada yada…  But he tried to focus his gaze on Wade, tried to cling to him harder.  “So _hungry_.”

Wade had anticipated those words and yet he still felt let down when they came out.  He sighed heavily, focusing on the hot air that rushed past his lips.

[Me too, my vampire dude, I’m already running on empty again.]

[[You don’t have a stomach.]]

[WAIT, WHAT?--]

[[Wade, just pity kill this thing, it isn’t going to get any better than it is right now.]]

[--THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU COULD HAVE EVER TOLD ME?]

[[...Did you actually think you had a stomach?]]

[YES????]

[[We’re disembodied text voices, you _fucking idiot_.]]

[JESUS CHRIST, I’M FREAKING OUT REALLY BAD--]

Wade reached over to the laced-up part of his boot and pulled the five-inch blade out of its hidden sheath.  He started to undo the straps that kept his glove on, and tugged the leather off.

“This ain't gonna be fun for either of us,” he grumbled, and held out his left hand, splaying it out like a claw-machine about to snap shut over a prize, and then sliced open his pointer finger.  The wound was only a few centimeters long, but it was enough to get the blood spilling out in a steady flow.  Fingers and toes bled like a _bitch_ , no matter the size of the cut.

The vampire’s pupils dilated and his mouth opened further, begging, like a freshly-hatched chick under its parent's beak.

Wade knew that too much to eat after being emaciated for so long would case the kid’s body to reject the blood and he'd just get sick all over the ground and waste it.  He held his finger above the boy's mouth and let a few drops land on the pale tongue.

“Take it slow,” he said, and his voice sounded… a little off.  Like he wasn't quite there, or at least not entirely himself.

[Oh, baby, that's what _she_ said!]

[[Go back to fretting over your existential stomach crisis.]]

The vampire latched on and started sucking, his too-thin hands holding on for dear life.  The first thing Wade noticed was that its touch felt like he’d just stuck his finger in ice-cold water.  The slice tore wider open and then sharp teeth jabbed into his flesh.  “Take it slow,” he repeated, his voice much more stern than before.  But the vampire showed no signs of even having heard him, so Wade yanked his hand away.  There were two new grooves dug into his skin from the creature’s fangs, and the Merc felt annoyance bubble up in him.

But again, this was just a _kid_ …  A very, very hungry kid who was currently not all there mentally and was just going off of his base instincts.

“Stop,” he said, as the vampire tried to sit up and reach for him, zeroing in on his hand.  “Kid, _stop_ ,” Wade repeated and he pushed the body back onto the ground.  “You’re going to overdo it and you’ll come out worse for it.”

The words didn’t appear to be registering well, and so Wade groaned, throwing his head back.  Why the fuck had he let himself do this?  It wasn’t going to benefit him in any way, and he was just going to go home and lie in bed and feel shitty about it until he got to sleep and then he’d live the rest of his life like this never happened.

He finally gave in and let the damn thing suck on his finger like it was a pacifier.  He was graced with the boxes’ wonderful commentary the entire time.  After a few minutes, he decided they’d reached the cut-off point, and he forced them both apart.

[You know, he’s kinda cute.]

[[Do you want us to adopt him like a puppy or something?]]

[Ooh, ooh!  Could we?  Can we?  Please?]

Wade was about ready to stand up, dust off his knees, and show himself the metaphorical door, when he heard another sound from the creature.  He was crying.

“I’m sorry,” he rasped, and Wade noticed that his lips and cheeks were much darker than they had been initially.

Okay, Wade was maybe just a little bit curious and secretly wanting a reason to stay.  “For what?” he asked, but his mind was already jumping to conclusions.

Air was rushing in and out at a rapid pace, and it seemed like the kid’s body was building up towards a panic attack.  “I want to die,” he sputtered and then gripped his own upper arms and tried to roll over onto his side.  The small remainder of Wade’s blood trickled out of the side of his mouth and dripped onto the garbage-stained cement.

[Geez, he’s just like you, Wade!  You’re totally meant for each other!  Let’s adopt him!]

[[How charming. Gag me with a spoon.]]

“Uh,” Wade offered awkwardly, and a car passed the alleyway, its headlights making everything painfully visible as it did so.  The kid had brown hair.  “Sounds like somethin’ you should be telling your therapist and not me.”

That was when a dawning expression washed over the vampire, and he looked honestly terrified.  “I _don’t_ want to die,” he realized, and that just made the oncoming panic attack hit even more intensely.  “I don’t _want_ to die.  Oh, God, please--”

And that was when Wade made what definitely fell into his top ten list of Stupidest Shit I’ve Ever Done and decided to help this pathetic, fading _thing_.  He moved them both around and lifted the kid bridal style, but he wound up pressing his gaunt face into the curve where his shoulder and his neck met up and clinging into Wade’s shirt.  His body was so cold it felt like he was just holding a giant bag of ice.  He weighed a total of a hundred or so pounds, and though Wade only had the strength of a normal human, albeit a very strong normal human, he was pretty easy to hold once he got the little guy off of the ground.

[Lift with your back!]

[[It’s _lift with your legs_ , you dingus.]]

[Are you super sure?  I thought it was with your back.]

[[That’s how you throw your back out and possibly permanently injure yourself.  Which isn’t an issue for us.  ...Wade, lift with your back.]]

[Break that back!  Step on your mother’s crack!]

[[Stop talking.]]

[Nope!]

Wade thought about investing more money into making a mute button for his brain.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the hell do you nurse a dying vampire back to health? Who fuckin' knows, man.

Wade stared down at the lump of a body that was now curled up on his bed.  The walk home had been pretty uneventful, save for the police car zooming past him towards the Denny’s.  He had tried to act inconspicuous and wound up turning down a different street just in case they decided to backtrack this area.  Nope, totally not stealing the body you guys were gonna pick up, ha ha, who even does that, seriously?

He’d debated which squathouse to take this kid to, and then they (mostly Wade) decided on the one that was the one-bedroom on the seventh floor in the slums.  No one was going to think twice about That One Weird Guy bringing home a possibly-dead body.

So here he was.  Here _they_ were.

The vampire hadn’t really been too good a conversationalist on the trip back, mostly just letting out the occasional whine or groan, and having muscle spasms.  He’d gotten a touch warmer on one side from Wade’s body heat (and in turn, Wade got uncomfortably cold), and so there was a lone silver lining.  He really looked like he was having a shitty day.  Week.  Month.  Or even a year.

[Far less cute under proper lighting.]

“Yeah, well, no one asked you.”

[[And we didn’t ask you to bring this thing home.]]

Wade huffed.  “ _He_ did!” he defended, throwing his thumb up and over at Screwball codename ‘Yellow’.

[[He doesn’t count.]]

[Why don’t I count?]

[[I didn’t ask you to take this thing home.  In fact, I told you not to do it.]]

[Why the fuck don’t I count??]

Wade sighed and thumped his head pretty hard on the wall.  “Fuck off,” he hissed, and he waved his hands at the text boxes, pushing them out of place and out of his line of vision.  “I need some ‘me’ time right now.  Go find something else to do.”

[[We’re part of your ‘me’ time, buddy.]]

[WHY DON’T I COUNT?]

A low growl formed in Wade’s throat, and he slammed his head harder against the wall, and some of the plaster fell off and crumbled to the carpet.  His thoughts swam a bit, and he felt dizzy for a few seconds.  “Fuck.  Off.”  With that rule set and his mild concussion healed over, he turned to focus on the supernatural being dirtying up his sheets.  He didn’t make a habit of bringing home strays that would like to eat him--

[That’s not true!  You gave several dozen hamsters rabies that one time when you wanted to make a rabid hamster gun!]

\-- “I didn’t bring those _home_ rabid, now did I?” he shot back.

[[Normal hamsters would eat you anyway, given the chance.  And you never patented that gun, by the way.]]

[Yeah, it’s just sitting next to the closet, collecting dust.  You could’ve changed the world with that thing.]

“I’m trying to decide what to do with this kid, so could you guys at least stay on topic?”

That was when it occurred to him that vampires didn’t sleep, nor did they really have the ability to lose consciousness.  ...Welp.  He watched the brunet, and saw that he was clearly either too weak or trying to fake not being present.  “Hey, uh, kid?  You awake?”

Definitely faking, because Wade could see his eyes move under the lids as he debated with himself as to whether or not he should pretend to wake up.  “Yeah,” he heard the guy rasp.

[He’s been dropping some eaves!]

[[If I were him, I’d be worried about being the main character in a B-rated horror flick.]]

[Really, shouldn’t it be the other way around, though?  We’re the humans in this one.]

[[Point.]]

So at least the fact that he was absolutely apeshit insane was already laying out on the table between them.  “Okay, this puts me in a weird spot.  So I’ll be blunt.  I have no idea what the hell to do with you.  You’re clearly starving and you look young -- but I didn’t nab you because of that, I’m not some fucking pervert -- well, I _am,_ but _not like that_ \--”  He waved his hands in front of himself in a stop motion.  “Look, I fucked up and you swayed me with your pleading, and now you’re here, and I want to know what you need in order for me to kick you out so you can go about your daily--”

[[Nightly.]]

“--business.”

The vampire didn’t even blink at him.  He had really dark, sad eyes, that were layered with violet, sickly bruises.  His skin was grodey as hell and he really needed a bath and a change of clothes.

“I don’t know,” the kid surprised him by cutting off his train of thought with an actual answer.  He seemed to only breathe when he needed the air to talk, and otherwise stayed looking like a real corpse.  It was kinda freaky.

“Well, you said you didn’t wanna die, so let’s just start with that,” Wade said awkwardly, running a hand along the back of his neck.  Giving him a bath would require him being naked, and he wasn’t about to let himself even have the ability to look at some underage junk, because it was just something people's’ gazes were naturally drawn to, and fuck.

“How old are you?” he asked, and his voice was very serious.

[Dude, get some popcorn for us, this is some dramatic gold.]

[[Shut up, I want to see if this’ll end with us blowing our brains out.]]

The vampire frowned, and his eyes slid off to the corner as he thought.  “I don’t know,” he repeated.  His voice was scratchy and wavered at random points.

Wade rolled his eyes.  “Look, okay, are you a teenager, or not?”

The vampire frowned more.  “I think… I’m twenty.”

The Merc let out the biggest sigh of relief and he slid down the wall onto the floor and gripped the fabric over his heart like he’d just suffered a minor attack.  “Oh thank black baby Jesus,” he gasped.  Twenty, to him, was still not a _proper_ adult-adult, because everything under twenty-five just felt like someone putting on business clothes and pretending to understand taxes.  He knew he did a lot of immature, stupid shit leading up to twenty-five.

[[You still do a lot of immature, stupid shit.  Look at what’s happening _right now._ ]]

[Sh!]

[[Also, you’re not that many years older than him.]]

[Sssh!]

The vampire was staring at him again.  If he didn’t look so close to death’s doorknocker, he would have looked just extremely perturbed.  Wade felt like he had to explain himself.  “I felt bad for you because you’ve got this Bambi-looking face and you begged for help, and I don’t want anyone to get it in their head that I’ve got fucked up ulterior motives.”

[[Even though you do.]]

[Yeah, seriously, you took a half-dead natural predator home with you.  Are you gonna try to nurse him back to health and then train him to fight off other vamps for you?]

Wade pursed his lips.  “I can fight them off just fine myself, but thanks for your vote of confidence.”  He flipped off Yellow’s box.  “And this is a new situation for me, too.  Can’t you at least commit to a plan of action?”

[[Well, you’re sure as hell not getting any.]]

Wade rubbed his hand over his face.  Then he smiled at the vampire, realized his mask was still on so it may not have translated too well, and stood up.  “Can you excuse us for a second?” and then slammed the door shut behind him.  He leaned up against the bedroom door and pulled out his phone and started Googling 'what do you do if you find a vampire'.  All of the results were how to fend for yourself and what you should always carry on your person to be able to keep them at bay.  That wasn’t exactly the answer he was looking for, and he tried rephrasing it.  ‘What do you do if you want to _help_ a vampire?’

Reddit seemed to be his most useful result, so he clicked on one of the links.

There was a lot of debate of the morality of it, and a lot of deleted posts, and even more troll posts, and he spent the better part of an hour glancing over possibly helpful comment threads.  The biggest issues seemed to be what was _wrong_ with the vampire, where to get blood (and how many of the sites were illegal and what browsers you should use to access the black market and the deep web in general), what to do if you fuck up, and how to hide a body.

He made his way into the kitchen, rolled up his sleeve, and got out an extra large mug while he lifted his right leg, pulled the knife he hid there back out, and then split his wrist open right over the artery.  Blood spurted out and onto the wall just above the sink, but he ignored it, and turned the dripping over and into the mug.  He had to press several times to keep the flow going strong, like squeazing all the juice he could out of a lemon's pulp.  Give the damn thing sustenance, and prepare yourself for a night of feral behavior.  He could do that.  Try not to panic.  Too late for that, but he was good at masking that with manic upswing behavior.  Basically the whole thing wound up boiling down to, ‘Do This At Your Own Risk’ and possibly get arrested afterward, depending on what part of the world you live in, or what state in the U.S..  Apparently helping one of these things without the city or state’s permission could lead you to some nasty fines or jail time.  Huh.  Wade never really paid much attention to that shit, but the same went for Mutants, too.  He should have figured.

With the mug full, he grabbed a towel to wrap around his wrist so it would stop leaking while it finished healing back up, and then knocked on the bedroom door before opening it.

“Room service,” he declared, and immediately spotted an empty bed with the sheets pulled off and onto the floor leading towards the window.  And on the windowsill was the vampire who looked like he’d been caught with his hand in the metaphorical cookiejar, clearly trying to unlatch the window.

[The fuck?  Wasn’t he too weak to even sit up?]

[[Look, even that thing doesn’t want to be near you.]]

[That’s really depressing.  But really, is he about to jump?]

[[Probably trying to end it all. Don’t blame him.]]

[Maybe we should have put on a sexy nurse costume to keep him around.]

“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” Wade demanded, not moving from his spot in the doorway.

The vampire gave him a strained attempt at a smile and it just looked like a wince instead.  “Uh, I was… leaving?”  His tone lifted up at the end, like he was trying to make a statement, but wound up asking a question instead.  He’d started trembling, too.

[Don’t do it!  It’ll leave a nasty spot on the pavement!  Think of the cleaning crew who’s gonna have to deal with that!]

Wade pinched the bridge of his nose.  “You want something to eat before you jump to your death, or not?  I mean, I can _totally_ just keep this and reheat it for the next vampire I wind up finding on the street and taking home.”  Jesus Christ did this just sound dumber and dumber every time he described it.

The vampire didn’t stop shaking like a leaf.  He looked so torn, between desperately wanting the blood, but also… holding himself back.

Wade felt pity bubble up in him again.

“Get your ass back in this bed and drink this, and tell me what the fuck even happened to you to get you in that alley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, backstory reveal! ...Maybe! I get the feeling Peter's not ready to talk.
> 
> I don't remember which series it was, but Wade did actually attempt to make a rabid hamster gun. It was... it was not one of his brightest moments.


End file.
